Nighttime Comics Take Aim At Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Scheme

Television's leading entertainers spent the evening mocking former President Donald Trump's recently unveiled visa program, dubbed the "gold card," describing it as a clear pay-to-play arrangement for the wealthy.

Colbert's Witty Analysis

Opening his show, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic Christmas tune targeting the commander-in-chief. "He is making a list, checking it twice, before giving that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... destroys all he handles."

The subject was the controversial program which enables international citizens to purchase U.S. legal status for the price of one million dollars, or "platinum" option for five million. The program's page promises approval "faster than ever."

"A quick thought for you to wealthy applicants: prior to you fork over the cash, what about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He pointed out that the card is also meant to "extract cash" from firms wanting to hire skilled workers, requiring large payments. "That is a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you also get two free nights at a hotel of your choosing – if it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he said.

"The most thorough background check the U.S. government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals truly are eligible to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Commentary

On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."

"It's a card that will permit affluent foreigners to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get official visitor status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choice."

"It might be time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your tired masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel teased the lack of detail of the application, saying it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Exactly, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Economic Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining poll ratings during financial worries. "People gave Donald Trump a another term since they were mad about the economy," he explained.

This week, in a bid to discuss prices, Trump held a briefing in front of a selection of grocery items, and behaved oddly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so incredibly weird," Meyers responded. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by targeting right-leaning news defenses of Trump's economic record. "Perhaps instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he remarked.