Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
